Barney's Blog - 1x16: Launching a thousand relationships

Once again my lagging pupil, Ted, has proven how little of my advice he actually absorbs from day to day. The minute he found the strength of character to embark on the amazing journey that is a long-distance relationship, something I have been advocating for years, he admitted he would not be seeing other girls during said relationship, clearly missing the point entirely.

Now, we all know long-distance is delightful. An L-D-R provides S-E-X in two outstanding locations, at home and abroad, at highly controllable intervals. A man in an LDR secretes the irresistible pheromone nature bestows upon all men with girlfriends, which the babes on the home front will sniff out like a trained pig targeting truffles in the woods. And it is nearly impossible for long-distance girlfriends to keep tabs on what you are doing at any given moment. The pros and cons tell it all.

Advantages and Disadvantages of Long-Distance Relationships

A matrix by Barney Stinson

Pros Guaranteed sex Save $$ on constant dates Vastly diminishes chance of getting caught in bed with her friend(s) Easy to break off (via telegram) Offers "I'm in relationship" excuse if ever caught in room of horny heifers Exposure to new languages, cultures Chicks dig dudes with girlfriends

Cons ???

But friends, a long-distance girlfriend is not a wife. Long-distance girlfriends are the Lays potato chips of women. They are meant to be enjoyed in massive quantities, with tasty dips and spreads. As you can see on the accompanying chart, the more long-distance relationships you have, the more guaranteed sex partners you have. It's simple math, and one of the very few times math can get you laid. 

But as great as they are, it is true what they say: "Long-distance relationships take a lot of work, even when you are only maintaining five or six." Trying to keep track of the backstories and groundrules you've created with your girlfriends is a dangerous juggling act, and one for which I recommend a dedicated assistant. Failing that, a detailed spreadsheet can allow you to quickly brush-up before encountering a long-distance girlfriend. Here's an excerpt of the one that got me through the first quarter of '06.

NAME	PET NAME	WHERE SHE'S FROM	THINKS I'M FROM	WHERE WE MET	NOTES
Tiffani	Snookie	UC Davis	Israel	Oktoberfest -(brewage and Animal Husbandry major)	Thinks I'm in mandatory military service, do not call till '09
Joanne	Cookie	Chicago	South Africa	On holiday in Barbados	Told her was pirate
Saadet	N/A	Stockholm	Houston	First class lavatory	Space program
Kelly S.	Pookie	Toronto	Isle of Man	Baccarat table, Foxwoods	Use British accent (north-midfordshire)
Kelly R.	Puddin' Pop	New York	Killarney	Laser Tag	Have also wooed her as own twin brother, Sampson
Carolyn(line?)	N/A	Portland, Maine	Austria	Aunt's funeral	Peanut allergy, dead aunt
Hanna	Muffin	Dresden	Shreveport	Kenyan Safari	Gets car-sic