Dear Uncle Barney,
In the fall, I was cut from JV football. In the winter, I was cut from JV basketball. And now, in the spring, I’ll probably be cut from JV baseball. How will I ever get chicks if I’m not awesome at sports?
-Brian Kaufmann, Maryland
Dear Brian,
Have I failed you? Have I not made the path to awesomeness clear? Scoring a chick using athletic ability is like Michelangelo using a sledgehammer to carve the David. Sure, it can be done, but there are other tools that do the job better. (Yeah, you know what tool I mean.) But, since your mind is in the right place, I will reveal the secret to athletic success. Ready?
You just do them.
Sports are easy. I recently ran the New York City Marathon without even a day of training. Why? Because training the body is a waste of time. Why do something over and over when it only counts once? That’s like going on more than one date with someone.
Once you realize that so-called “athletic talent” is all in your mind, it becomes a simple matter of selecting the sport that maximizes your Chick Attractiveness Potential, or CAP. You think Johnny Third-String on the football team is going to get more chicks than Johnny World Champion Javeler? Javelier? Javelinist? One who throws a javelin. Individual sports are where it’s at.* Women are simple creatures: Too much movement makes it difficult for them to focus. Lend them a hand. Select a sport where the target is clear: You.
*notable exception: Laser Tag
Included below is a selection from my forthcoming self-help book, “I’m Gonna Teach You How to Live.” Good luck, Brian.
-The Barnacle
BARNEY’S GUIDE TO ATHLETICS
Running: Start running. Don’t stop.
Bowling: Roll heavy ball into pins. Wear funny shoes.
Long Jump: Jump. Long.
High Jump: Jump. High.
Bull Riding: Hold on. After 8 seconds, let go. Run. (See Above)
Jai Alai: Jai. Alai.
Speed Skating: Skate fast. Turn left.
Horse Racing: Sit on horse.
Rock Climbing: Find a rock. Climb it. Don’t fall.
Diving: Jump into water.
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